I was in trance today trying to figure out what to blog about. I was in my sacred Grove. It was still and quiet. Peaceful. Suddenly all these animals started showing up. Deer. Rabbits. Birds of all sorts. And they seemed scared. I was confused by this as my Grove is such a peaceful place. Then they started talking to me. They told me they were afraid of humans. Because of what they were doing to their homes. They told me they would show me what they meant.
Suddenly the ground started shaking. A huge rumbling noise filled the air. Bulldozers appeared stripping away the ground and all the grass and plants. Men appeared with chainsaws. They started their evil work on cutting down all the trees. The animals started to frantically run around searching for cover. There was none. The men were so busy doing their work that the animals had nowhere to go. Finally exhausted and scared the animals started dropping to the ground. The bulldozers just scooped them up as they continued to strip away the land. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I tried to yell and tell the men to stop. But I was unable to speak or make a sound. Now I was frantically running around just as the animals had done. My anxiety continued to soar. My mind was unable to form thoughts. I had never been this full of panic before. Finally I fell to the ground exhausted. Just as the animals had done. As I laid there waiting for the bulldozers to take me away too one thought did fill my mind. Stop. It must stop. My sacred Grove could not become a victim. And the trance suddenly ended.
As I was laying there back in ordinary consciousness I was still sweating and my heart was still pounding. It took me ten minutes or so to calm down. As I was calming down I was able to think. And the thought suddenly came to me. I had to do something to help fight. So I quickly researched the internet for organizations that were dedicated to the fight of conserving wilderness. I found one that spoke to me and my ideals. I became a monthly donor. It may not be enough. But it’s something.
The other day in trance I was shown a river. Not a big huge wide river. Just big enough it couldn’t be called a stream.
In trance I stood and watched the river as it rushed by. It was plenty loud and moving along at quite a pace. Along the bed of the river was a group of cattails. I was drawn to walk over to them.
The wind was blowing warmly. The sun was bright and clear. It was a beautiful day.
I picked one of the cattails and was instantly drawn inside it’s consciousness. I was seeing the world through the awareness of the cattail. The day was still beautiful. But everything I could “see” looked different. The plants all were surrounded by glowing energy fields like auras. These energy fields were fluid and ran one into the other. Everything was interconnected. Everything was distinct but still somehow part of the larger picture. The river beds were alive with energy.
I just had enough time for this all to register when a gust of wind snatched the cattail from my hand. My consciousness still inside the plant I was whisked away and into the river.
I landed on the river. It was warm and comfortable. I started flowing with the water. I was aware of all the life beneath me. Fish. Plants. Once again I was struck with the sense that they were all connected. A much bigger sense of belonging overtook me. I was the plant and the water and the fish and the wind all at the same time. I was huge.
Then the trance ended suddenly. I was back in my plain old boring body. Plain and boring in comparison to the wonder of nature I had just experienced. But a sense of the greatness stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. I was a cattail. I was a river.
I’m working my way through the book “The Celtic Shaman”. I’ve come to the exercise in the book where I’m to meet my inner Shaman. I prefer to call it my inner Druid. The purpose of this entity is to serve as a teacher for my studies. I thought that sounded pretty cool so I had a go at it. Here’s how it went.
I did all of my usual trance preparation. I lit incense. I drummed my drum. I held in mind the intention to meet my inner Druid.
Soon I was in a trance. It was misty and foggy. I kept drumming and awaited the appearance of my inner Druid from the fog. Soon I could see a figure approaching me. I waited patiently to meet this wise person who was to give me five gifts. What will they be like? I wondered. Soon I had my answer.
As the mist parted a white robed man appeared. He headed towards me. He had a bag with him. Soon I realized it was me! A slightly older version of myself but definitely me! I thought to myself that this was an interesting turn of events. Soon I was standing next to myself.
I asked myself if I was indeed my own inner Druid. I was assured that this was the case. I was told that I already knew everything I needed to know. That I had to just get to work and do it. The gifts I gave myself were a feather, a bundle of incense, a clear crystal point, a lapis lazuli egg and a crane bag. All of these were items I already had I protested. Exactly I was told. All the tools I need are in my possession. Now get to work!
I watched as I disappeared back into the fog. It was comforting to know I already knew these things and had all I needed. But it was also daunting to know I had to get to work. That I am the only thing standing in my way. Move over me! I’ve got stuff to accomplish!
So I have an apprentice who’s always Manannán this and Manannán that. I realized he was a deity I had no first hand knowledge of. So I figured it was time for a little trip to meet this dude.
I dug out my drum. I burned some incense. I started playing my drum and chanting the name of Manannán. Soon I was in a trance.
I was on the shore of a river. I could see across the waters there was a man in a boat paddling his way towards me. As he got closer I could see he had long strawberry blonde hair and wasn’t wearing a shirt. And he was muscular ! As a gay man of course I took notice of that!
He paddled across the river and up on to the shore. His big arms had no problem with this task. He got out of the boat and approached me.
“You wanted to see me?” I asked if he was indeed Manannán. “Who else would have made the effort to cross the river to greet you here? You realize you don’t need to worry about me ferrying you across for some time. Unless you’re ready to go now!” This he said with a smile. I assured him I was good thanks. “Are you in need of a foster father?” I told him Cernunnos was taking care of that for me. “ If that doesn’t work out keep me in mind. I’m pretty good at that” again with the smile. “Well you’ve met me now. And there’s nothing I seem to be able to help you with. So I’ll leave you with this piece of information. I’m older than the tribes themselves. So I truly belong to none though I have been known to affiliate with one or the other. But I really am older than that.” I assured him he didn’t look old. “Why would I want to look old when I can look like this?” Now he flexed his impressive muscles. He got in his boat and started back across the river. And that’s where my trance ended. That was my meeting with Manannán. Wow!
Tonight is the full moon. I decided to do a trance session to commemorate it. Here’s what happened.
I waited till the moon was out. I lit some juniper incense. I lit some candles. I got out my drum and started drumming. As I drummed I chanted the name Cerridwen. As a moon goddess I find it appropriate to honor her at the moon’s different aspects. I chanted and drummed for several minutes swaying gently to put myself into trance. Soon I felt the shift in my consciousness that signals I am in a working trance.
It took almost no time before I saw Cerridwen. She was seated on a stool. She was stirring a brew in a caldron. Her long black hair fell over her face obscuring her features. I stayed there watching her at her work. Suddenly she looked up at me. Sharp blue eyes caught me in their gaze. “Come. Drink the brew. Gain wisdom.” Frightened but drawn by the hope of gaining wisdom I slowly stepped towards the caldron. She stopped stirring and handed me a ladle. As I stood at the brim of the caldron I leaned down to get some of the brew. In a heartbeat Cerridwen pushed me by my shoulders face first into the caldron. Down I went. But the caldron had no bottom. It became a tunnel. The tunnel went fast and deep down underground. Soon I found myself in the Underworld. It was twilight and very still. From around the corner of a mound of earth came my old friend Cernunnos. He approached me and said “ You are here for wisdom. You wish to study magic?” I nodded my head in the affirmative. “Then come here to learn. To ease your journey here burn mugwort. The gods and goddesses will be here when you’re ready. They will assist you.” Then suddenly the trance was over. I had seen what I was meant to see. The full moon shone down.
I’m gay. And I’m on the path of Druidry. Why is this important? Being gay touches every aspect of my life. So it’s only logical that it would be a part of my spiritual path.
How does being gay affect my spirituality? For one thing it means I have a closer calling to the goddesses rather than the gods. Just as in ordinary life I find myself more drawn to women to be my friends so it is with my affiliation with deities. I just get a deeper connection with the feminine. It’s easier for me to have a rewarding relationship with a woman. In my Druidry I have deep ties to the Morrigan and Cerridwen. They are easy relationships for me to foster. The divine feminine speaks to me and resonates strongly for me. Being gay offers me the chance to be more in touch with the feminine aspects of my spiritual path.
Being more in touch with the feminine allows my to explore the worlds in trance state. During those explorations I am not as hindered by the logical rational masculine side of myself. I am able to put all of that aside to experience profound trance sessions. If I were not gay I fear that this connection to the Otherworlds would not be so strong. It is by being acutely aware of my feminine self that I am more free to explore the esoteric side of Druidry.
I am deeply in touch with my feminine self and this gives me the opportunity to take the path less followed by my straight brothers. I delve deeply into my feminine self for my spiritual experiences. Being gay allows me the freedom to do that without the negative connotations of trying to be a tough guy.
I’m not saying that straight men can’t experience the feminine self because they too can access these sides. I have helped many straight men to access this side of themselves as part of their apprenticeships with me. Many have struggled with this concept and as a gay man I am uniquely suited to guide them in their exploration. That said I just think it’s easier for me as a gay man. I have experienced the call of the feminine self and continue to explore it. I have no self judgement about this. It’s just part of who I am.
Do I neglect my masculine self? No. I utilize my masculine side to help me explain the experiences I have when tapping the feminine. My masculine self offers me the structure to examine my trances. It offers me the chance to have a relationship with Cernunnos. So it’s not that I don’t explore my masculine self. It’s just somehow easier to access the feminine.
I’m gay. And a Druid. I’m happy with that.
I have been agonizing over a topic for a post for this blog for days now. Days. I have done trance sessions. I have scoured my books. I have just thought about it in general. Then just now in the stillness of my empty condo it hit me. That’s the topic. Struggling to find a topic. In other words a time to be dormant.
In our hectic busy lives we often forget the strength of remaining dormant. There’s always so much to get done. Every hour. Every day. We keep ourselves busy as if by doing so we can keep something bad away. What are we so busy hiding from? Ourselves.
It’s easier to keep our minds and bodies busy with the smallest little thing rather than face the truth that comes from silence. In silence we are faced with the issues that really matter. Big issues. Not the everyday prattle our brains come up with to keep ourselves engaged. If we would just break the cycle and allow our minds to remain dormant we could think of the big things. Don’t worry. While we’re dormant the big things will find a way to finally break through to the surface. By remaining dormant we leave ourselves wide open. And that’s when the things that truly matter get their shot.
Farmers know the wisdom in letting a piece of land stay dormant for a season. Then the ground can become fertile again and bring forth a bountiful harvest. Why shouldn’t this same wisdom apply to our fertile brains and spirits?
So I need to remind myself from time to time to stay dormant. To allow the wisdom of the seasons do their thing. It’s not unproductive to stay fallow. It allows for greater growth later. It allows us to stay fertile. And that’s something I want to be.
I love beautiful things. Especially handcrafted items.
Above are my beautiful handcrafted “crane bag” and Druid grimoire. I think both are incredibly beautiful things. But their beauty haunts me.
I’ve had both items for some time. The bag was an Etsy find. The grimoire was custom made for me by an incredibly talented crafts woman from Australia. I adore them both and both are featured on my altar. But they remain unused. Pristine yes. But unused.
Why? The bag I have yet to find any items I deem special enough to include inside it. The grimoire remains blank because I haven’t had any thoughts grand enough to write in it. So they haunt me. I feel bad I have yet to use them.
So why did I get them? I had good intentions. I meant wholeheartedly to put them to use. But I keep hitting a brick wall when I approach them. It’s as if they are to remain pristine. But beautiful.
I like surrounding myself with beautiful things because in some strange way they remind me of the beauty of nature. The bag reminds me of animals and the sun. The grimoire reminds me of plants growing in spring. As I have MS my forays into actual nature are limited. I have houseplants for the same reason. They too remind me of the splendor of nature indoors.
Which brings me back to the beautiful things above that haunt me. Perhaps I’ll break down and use the bag to house my crystals. Perhaps at the beginning of the new year I’ll use the grimoire to follow the Wheel. Perhaps the insights and items I’ve been waiting for will make themselves known tomorrow. Who knows? All I know is that beautiful things surround me as it is. And perhaps that’s enough to expect of them. To remain beautiful things.
I was doing a trance session the other day. I got myself into my sacred Grove and enjoyed the calm. Out of the trees comes Cernunnos. Apparently he’s my new best friend because he shows up so often in my sessions! He took me by the hand and lead me to this enormous tree with a huge trunk. There was an opening in the tree. He lead me through the opening. Inside the tree was a spiral staircase leading up and down. We went to the staircase and Cernunnos lead me down the stairs. We finally arrived at the bottom. He lead me through another opening. He finally spoke. He told me we were in the Underworld. It was sunny but not bright. It was cool and damp. There were other people there as well. After a quick look around Cernunnos lead me back to the tree and the staircase. This time we climbed up. We finally got to the top. Once again he lead me through an opening. And this time we were in a place with bright sun. It was warm and dry. Cernunnos spoke and said that this is the Upper Realm. Again after a quick look around he lead me back to the tree. We went down again but this time we stopped before we’d got to the bottom. He lead me through another opening and we were back in my sacred Grove. Cernunnos had some words for me. He told me that now that I knew how to get there it was my duty to visit these other realms. Then he faded back into the forest. I slowly came out of trance.
The next day I went into trance again. I was in my sacred Grove and found the huge tree with the staircase. Down I went. Finally I was in the Underworld. I looked around and suddenly everything went red. And out of this mass of red appeared an image. It was of an ogham fed. I took note of the image. Not knowing ogham well I thought I’ll research it later. Then I decided to go up the stairs. So up I went until I reached the Upper Realm. This time as a looked about everything went green. Out of the green cane another image of an ogham symbol. I took note again and headed back down the stairs to my Grove. I slowly came out of trance. I quickly wrote down the ogham feds I’d seen. Then I turned to my books to research their meanings.
The fed I had seen in the Underworld was Saille. My references told me that one of its meanings was new forces flowing. That made sense to me as this whole Druid experience is still relatively new but things have been flowing freely in this regard. Then I looked up the one I had seen in the Upper Realm. It was Koad. One of its meanings is reaching to the gods. Made a lot of sense considering where I’d been and what I hope to do.
A powerful set of messages. I’ll have to think on them. And then the hard part. Now to put it all into practice…
Much of the lore is filled with tales of battle. Whether army against army or one on one these were a warring group of people! So what can we learn from this war packed group of tales?
For one thing I don’t take these stories literally. I view them as metaphors. If we substitute the wars that go on inside us for the wars of armies we get a whole new picture of the lore.
Think of the war inside ourselves over the issue of belief. As rational beings it is only natural that there should be some interior fighting over this matter. Our intuitive side craves the belief in something bigger and greater than who we appear to be. But then there’s the rational side that says we have no scientific proof of the divine. It’s a battle I wage often inside my own brain.
Of course there are mental battle matches over the truth behind magic. Magic is a theme often brought to light in the lore. Does magic really exist? Or are we merely creatures of clay incapable of otherworldly acts? I have had this mental battle in the past and have answered it for myself to my own satisfaction. But it was truly a war of will to get to that point.
If only things were easy! Then there wouldn’t be a need for internal battle. But we are complex creatures and the very nature of Druidry requires thought. I say wage those battles in your head! Wage them every day. Only with such dedication came you have a living breathing spirituality that will be profound and personally rewarding.